I just want that!

All my life I have been who my parents want me to be, who Christianity claims God supposedly wants me to be and frankly I have acquired so many personalities that I don’t even know who I am. So in the end it seems to me that all my life I have lived with no identity and no choice as to what I want in my life. This has hindered me so much to the point where in relationships whether love or friendship wise things always seem to go wrong. My best friend once told me “eres muy ingenua y siempre quieres que todos te acepten entonces por eso haces todo lo que esas persona te dicen y dejas de ser tu para ser lo que ellos quieren. Y perdóname pero ¡ya carajo! ¡Se tu! This conversation shocked me I said “be myself” and I asked myself “how can I be myself when I don’t even know who I am?”Then after analyzing my past relationships and crying a little you know the wounds always reopen when you look back I figured it out. See it’s simply that person you become when you’re alone or when you are with someone who you trust so much that you are comfortable being yourself around them and they accept that. I once heard a phrase in a movie that really caught my attention (don’t ask for the name I don’t remember) but the main character was talking to the young girl who he broke up with a couple a months before and he was telling her why he broke up with her. Yet at the same time the girl’s birthday was next day the clock marked 11:59pm and when it stroke 12 am, she got up to leave and he said “ you know why I love you?” and she said with a tired attitude “ No why?” “I love you because I have nothing to offer you but myself and you accept that.” That part of the movie made me cry because deep down in my heart I long for that, I long for someone to love me, to accept me for who I am. I want my family to accept that I love Mexico although they claim it’s a shit whole (you know cause of the drugs, kidnapping and the fact that supposedly Mexicans think they’re all that) to accept that I love helping people even thought I may not know them well and they’re miles away but I always think we all need a helping hand. For my mom to accept the fact that maybe I wasn’t made to be super skinny like a Barbie doll. That maybe just maybe I prefer studying, poetry and my ACDC shirt anytime over Money, getting married to a rich guy and having expensive bran clothing. That my dad accepts the fact that am no longer his little girl, that in life I will fall down and get hurt no matter how many times you try to protect me from it and that I will never be the perfect daughter as your dad expected you to be the perfect son. Finally I wish every guy will just accept that even though I dress kind of revealing and I have suggestive flirting. I am honestly not looking for one night stands and I am not just another girl or “no solo sirvo para desarreglar la cama” as many have offended with such harsh words. I just want everyone to accept me! the dreamy, smart, funny, preppy/metal, crazy, spontaneous and loving women that I really am.